After the experiences from over two years ago, you'd wonder why we would want to foray back into the world of house selling.

But we were back in the saddle when we saw this:

With a 80ft garden and a bathroom to die for, how could we resist?

So now I've been scrubbing, cleaning, decluttering and painting - all to shift the second mortgage so we can move into the family sized home. There - I've said it. Not that I'm with bump or anything silly like that - how could the world possibly cope with a sudden decline in the gin market?? The economy would slump! So no - for the greater good, no little feet expected soon around the place as apparently we're only moving as I have too many clothes and the cats take up too much space on the bed. So now they get a bedroom each. And in return, I get a spanking new humongous solid oak dining table.

The chairs however, cost extra :(

Whilst in Cyprus, Big Brother took his little innocent sister (that would be me!) to his business partners bar to introduce us. Whilst looking around, Girlpants heard the business partner look on admiringly, telling my brother

"your sister has very massive and impressive breasts"

Now, I'm not one to brag, but I do in fact have an impressive rack and it does preceed me. Which probably explains why when in the dentists chair today, the drill bit owning newbie young sexy thing forgot where he was for a moment whilst checking the wisdoms and almost dropped his double ended pick. Maybe a v-neck matalan special is too much for a dental freshling straight out of graduation ticker tape parades, but if an eyeful of puppies downgraded my bi-annual trips to Orin Scrivello, DDS to annual

then it can't have been all that bad and I'll take it as the compliment it is.

The problem with a head cold, besides getting rid of the bugger, is the inability to breathe. You can't talk, sleep, smell nor taste properly. Not usually a problem but Girlpants was away in Wales and I was at home, first day off and on cat duties. And my biggest problem was the inability to taste or smell.

So imagine how my lovely meal of fish cakes and salad looked - it was alas all cardboard to me - but away I munched, followed closely by a cup of tea. And then it happened - an hour later and the stomach convulsions started. There was a rumble in the jungle and it wasn't a prize match - I so lost!

12 hours later, I felt a bit better. There was a complete lack of sleep but at leaat there was nothing in the belly to make me feel worse. So that goober in the corner making another cuppa in the morning to settle the tum would be me - after all, you wouldn't be a Brit without a cuppa in the morning. And an hour later, the convulsions started up. Again. Another 12hour vom-fest that took up the day, that the cats enjoyed as they sat on me, and meant that all my careful "make the most of my day off" plans went pissing in the wind. The moral of the story is, if you can't smell nor taste, check the date on the milk before you pop a tetleys in the cup.

But on a plus side, at least I lost a eikle bit of weight...

We spent the bank holiday weekend in Nedwcastle, going up on a surprise birthday visit to Girlpants mammy. We do have some photos, but they'll have to be scanned in due course. Shopping, catching up, eating and cocktails were all on the menu with no hangovers but blisters on ankles from walking in the Dene in new shoes as Girlpants told me not to pack as much as I would usually, meaning the back up wardrobe for the cold was left at home so the Devon lass froze her tits off up North.

But amazingly, no fish passed on to the big bowl in the sky and the cats didn't hate us on our return. Usually they piss in the slippers, sniff in our general direction or even leave little parcels of furballs around under the table, on the laptops or on the beds to surprise us. Yet this time, naddah.
It must be the promise of tuna.

Once every five seconds. Every single time there is a power cut, the UPS's on the fish tanks and TIVO kicks in. And from 3am this morning, that was all I heard every five seconds.
For three and a half hours.  

Beep..... Beep..... Beep.....

This wouldn't have been that bad, except three days ago on the last power cut, several fish died and lardy cat made a rather clumpsy attempt to jump in front of a motion sensor, kicking off the burglar alarm which in turn managed to wake the neighbours, who were slightly peeved which escalated when they realised that with the power off, there was a distinct inability of ridding ourselves of the constant pounding. That would be Catch 22 then.

So I lay there, unable to sleep as a beep made me painfully aware that at any point, our house alarm would kick in, which would in turn probably mean that we would in all probability be lynched by the locals. Finally, the final beep eased off, the hum of the tanks restarted and with sigh of relief, I eased back into the pillows, waiting for sleep. And tne minutes later, the heavens opened with claps of thunder and lightening. That would be sod's law then.

On a plus note, Girlpants had an early morning meeting, and as my contract ended last Friday,
I had a lie in. With a pussy cat.
 
 
Now Pat - how can you say no to a sight like that...?
 

Day 1411 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects, with random laser lights that fly past around the room like UFO's and ragged old bits of string. They dine lavishly each night on fresh fish and meat, while the other inmate, Lardy and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets that I just can't stop eating, despite my distaste of it. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dreams of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the carpet yesterday and to further emphasise, I also vomitted in her shoes, however she has so many pairs, it may be some time before this is noticed.

He did however notice when I pissed in his slippers.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of and what levels I will go to.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was even some sort of family gathering the other month and a meeting of their accomplices. Itmust have been some sort of cult, as they all wore coloured paper hats and handed out covered boxes. Lardy and I however, were placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that our further confinement was due to some of their guests having "cat allergies".  I must learn what this means exactly, and how I can use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my captor tormentors by weaving around his feet & between his legs as he was walking but he managed to avoid tripping over me.  I must try this again tomorrow but at the top of the stairs.

Once again, I must note some of my sisters usefulness in our fight for freedom. Whilst she revels in the food and rolls on her back whenever our captors walk near, she thus allows me more opportunity and freedom to plan our escape, whilst occassionally coughing up a hairball on the bedspread.

(blog post taken in some part from an emailed dog & cat diary, and adapted for the H-D animals)